I generally write about a couple of topics; politics and the rebuild are the big ones, but the most serious is of course the Mighty Vodafone Warriors. One of the cruelest blows of the current COVID crisis is that the Warriors have been denied their inevitable return to the Grand Final - their previous two appearances were in 2002 and 2011, and 2020 was set to be the year in which they repeated their unique stat of making the final in the third year of a first term government. IT WAS OUR YEAR. But … it still might be.
Over the Tasman, plenty of plans are afoot for some sort of resumption of the season. Relocating the competition to an offshore island, or a resort in regional Australia have been mooted. Well, I’ve got a better plan. Do NRL Island, but do it in New Zealand. Now, on the face of it, this might sound like a joke idea, but I’m actually pretty serious about it. While New Zealand has just clipped over 1,000 COVID cases with the one death, Australia is approaching 6,000, with almost 50 deaths. Compared to the responses in other Anglosphere nations, Scott Morrison is doing better than Trump and BoJo, but the patchwork plan (if you can call it that) is far less coherent and far less effective than what we have on this side of the Tasman. Until the Aussie government really steps in to control the movement of people, there are likely to be clusters continuing to pop up for months. Travel will have to be limited, and gatherings will have to be restricted.
Back on the good side of the ditch, we can be cautiously optimistic about our response. We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves; however, it looks like we will be able to consider reducing restrictions on movement and gathering, at least in some parts of the country, by the end of April. By mid-May, we could be hosting NRL games. Clearly there are a large number of people that would have to be brought into the country. All the NRL teams (excluding the Warriors) would have to be brought over, along with their support staff, trainers, physios, and perhaps even some families. They would have to be quarantined for a fortnight. After this, they could be moved to different cities around the country, which would be their de facto home grounds for the duration of the 2020 season. Where would that be? Glad you asked. I’ve got it all worked out.
North Queensland Cowboys - Northland
The Cowboys like it hot, and even though Northland isn’t quite the tropics, it is the best that we have. Plus, the Cowboys like to avoid some of the attention that is bestowed on the bigger Sydney teams, so hanging out in Whangarei could suit them quite nicely.
Manly Sea Eagles, Sydney Roosters, Penrith Panthers, South Sydney Rabbitohs - Auckland
Sydney is a proper big city, and supports far too many NRL teams. As our biggest city, Auckland would do a slightly reduced version of this. Manly would be based over the bridge in North Harbour; the Roosters would be the flash city boys that everyone else in the competition loves to hate; Penrith would base themselves out west, substituting the Waitakere ranges for the Blue Mountains, and the Bunnies would head south to Counties.
Gold Coast Titans - Bay of Plenty
A nice place to retire on the east coast of the island, just over an hour down the road from a major city, that got a bit too big for its boots and sprung up a team that wears blue and gold. The Titans haven’t been in a great place over the last few seasons, but maybe a trip to Tauranga is just what they need.
Brisbane Broncos - Hamilton
I think I’ve spent about an hour of my life in Hamilton, so I don’t know much about it, except it has a big river that runs through the middle of it. So does Brisbane. Plus, Broncos are a type of horse and they grow lots of horses in the Waikato, out at that horse place.
West Tigers - Napier
The Tigers are a merger between the Balmain Tigers and the Western Suburbs Magpies. The Hawkes Bay rugby team are the Magpies. Case closed.
Canberra Raiders - Palmerston North
A nothing town that’s an awkward distance to the two main cities - the Canberra team should feel at home here. Plus, the Turbos play in green, and the Raiders fans could swap out their Viking hats to be honorary Bucketheads.
Parramatta Eels - Wellington
1. Parramatta is pretty similar to Paremata
2. They play in yellow (and blue, but we can put them in their away strip)
3. Wellington rugby fans will be used a team that plays flashes of brilliant running rugby before ultimately flaking out when they come up against a better-drilled but boring team.
Cronulla Sharks - Nelson
The Tasman rugby team are called the Makos, after a type of shark. The Cronulla team are called the Sharks. A match made in heaven! Fins up! Plus we’d get the sight of Scott Morrison swinging his scarf around in the stands at Trafalgar Park.
Canterbury Bulldogs, St George Illawarra Dragons - Canterbury
The first one is obvious - the Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs would be based in Canterbury. The Bulldogs have got off to a dreadful start to the season, and because I’m writing this, I’m giving us another team. St George were always my team, until the Warriors joined in 95 and they became my other team. Known as the Red V, they could play through in the red strip of the other team of the merger, Illawarra, as a nod to the Red and Black of Canterbury. Plus, their winger Mikaele Ravalawa got a rugby scholarship to Burnside High, and then played in the Canterbury development squad, so he’ll be able to show everyone around.
Newcastle Knights - Greymouth
Newcastle is coal mining country and sadly so is the West Coast. After the tragic Pike River disaster, the Knights came over to play a pre-season game in Greymouth against the Warriors, as a tribute to league’s working class and mining roots, so there is a link already. They might have to base themselves on the coast, but come over to Christchurch for games, depending on the size of the crowds.
Melbourne Storm - Dunedin
When I was a student in Dunedin, there always seemed to be a strong connection with Melbourne. A shared pioneer history of gold mining and wool barons, changeable weather, and people with beards who like Werner Herzog films. Plus the Storm, despite being the dominant force in the NRL this century, quietly revel in being the outsiders, something the staunch Southerners could identify with.
The New Zealand Warriors - NEW ZEALAND
I have left the best for last. The Mighty Vodafone Warriors would stay at their home base in Penrose, bringing in sellout crowds every week. They would take their entertainment machine around the country, wowing the crowds with their running rugby, notching up wins, lifting the mood of the country as we come out of lockdown. GO ROGER we scream as we leap up from our seats GO as RTS carries the hopes and dreams of the LETS GONE nation on his slightly dodgy ankle all the way to the grand final, where he lifts the YOU BEAUTY Provan-Summons trophy in front of 44,000 screaming fans at a sold-out Eden Park, and in front of a worldwide audience of ONE BILLION, mesmerised by the spectacle of the only sporting competition in the world being held in the only competently run and coronavirus-free nation in the world as 5 million kiwis all cry 7% woodstock bourbon and cola tears of joy.
NRL Island - New Zealand
Love this. Send it to the NRL as they said no idea is a bad idea and they will consider all options.